Post by Deleted on Dec 22, 2016 13:14:57 GMT -5
Note: The Voice Over Guy is the Second Coming of Don LaFontaine.
Voice Over: “In a world where there simply are no heroes left, in a world where there just aren’t enough championships left to win, and also in a world where there just isn’t enough cool shit… The fans call for something or someone more. Who will answer that call?”
The camera focuses on a mountain ledge. Moments pass before a hand rises up from the far end and grips the ledge.
Voice Over: “There are mountains to be climbed, people to be destroyed, ninjas to be dispensed of--let's not forget, and spotlight to be absorbed. The only man fit enough to stand up against these lesser humans, is none other than…”
Now another hand follows up and as soon as the camera zooms out, a most impressive man pulls himself up onto the ledge. He’s ridiculously muscular, has just the right amount of chest hair, and his eyes. Oh my god. His eyes would still trump Johnny Depp’s, Paul Newman’s, and Jude Law’s even if they teamed up.
Voice Over: “DARE STEVENSON!”
There are four things to be considered before moving forward:
First: The fact that his smile literally sends shudders through the audience. Both male and female alike--they’re knocked back by how incredible this smile is. Like, probably some orgasms.
Second: This body is seriously creating a whole new brand of body-shaming. Remember: Perfect amount of chest hair.
Third: His hair is flawless. You have to understand that this is the summit of Mount Everest. He didn’t even take the “easy walk over a ladder” side either. He did the ascent that is so hard and literally you have to have a death wish.
Fourth and most importantly: Everest is more recognizable now that Dare Stevenson has summited it.
Dare wipes his gloved hands together and lets out a chuckle.
Dare Stevenson: “That was easy. I mean, give a guy a real challenge in this world. I remember when they said summiting Everest would be difficult, all I could do was laugh because, seriously, it’s up on a plateau. Like, half of the work has already been done for you. What’s the big deal? All these frozen corpses atop this mountain are freeze dried pussies who just didn’t have the right stuff. Hell, I made half of the ascent just by stacking up all the Championships I’ve won. Yeah. I used them as a foot stool and made the ascent in half the time. I didn’t even have to stop to adjust to the altitude. Why? Because altitude has to adjust to me. Hold up.”
From out of nowhere, four Ninjas appear and try to ambush Dare. They rush him from all sides and he suddenly busts out of his climbing gear to reveal that he’s got a wicked Sonny Lee style yellow Jumpsuit on, complete with the yellow Adidas.
Voice Over: “Confident, cool, collected, and stylish. Start seeing Dare Stevenson kick ninja ass.”
While the Ninjas look on at Dare, all he can do is smirk.
Dare Stevenson: “Looks like I’ll have to be at my Dare Stevenson-est right now, right?”
Dare just shakes his head and leaps up, scoring a spin kick that takes out all four of the ninjas in one fell swoop. Two of them fly off the mountain due to the thunderous impact. Drew lands on his feet and lets out a laugh.
Dare Stevenson: “Psyche! I half assed that kick and it was still…”
A man approaches Dare and hands him a medal and trophy for “Best High Altitude Spin Kick.” Dare nods and accepts the award. Meanwhile, the two other Ninjas rise up and realizing they’re completely defeated and dishonored, willingly leap to their deaths off the side of the mountain.
Dare clears his throat and returns to his previous bad ass speech.
Dare Stevenson: “The AWE has seen fit to pit Dare Stevenson against Colgate Carnage and Trinity Jones. It’s probably Cuppola’s idea to do this, because of his weird ‘thing’ for me, but the reasoning is immaterial. What’s important is the fact that I’m going to step right up to Colgate “Dumbname” Carnage and knock not one, two, or three, but all of his teeth out. That way, he’ll live the rest of his life with a name which references toothpaste which he can no longer use. Ha!"
“Gonna have to rename himself Polident Carnage. Hell, I’ll even get one of my many foundations to help pay for his dental work. I’m that guy. What.”
“Meanwhile, Trinity Jones has so little talent that it’s kind of heartbreaking. I reel as I feel sadness for her. Unfortunately for her, she’s going to be that Trinity in the crashed hovercraft mortally wounded in the last Matrix movie. The only difference will be that Neo is played by Clint Eastwood and not Keanu Reeves, which means he’s not a pussy. In turn, he won’t make a deal with the weird computer guy to bring her dumb ass back to life. Yeah. The Matrix sucked, but me and Clint would make it relevant as fuck.”
Dare now can’t help but do a little dance. He moonwalks for a moment and then spins before grabbing his crotch and letting out a howl. Once this is complete, he turns back to the camera.
Dare Stevenson: “I invented that. Loaned it out to MJ. Every time he did it, he owed me money. We settled on him just forking over the Elephant Man’s bones to me. I got ‘em at my place in Monte Carlo. I have a place there. I’m a pretty big deal.”
“Anyway, I’m superior to all of you. Remember that. I’ll be back in the sequel to this promo and it’ll probably be called ‘Drew Stevenson 2: Electric Boogaloo” and I’ll teach all of you how to do break dancing. Also, I’ll break dance all over Polident Carnage’s and Dead Trinity’s faces. Believe you me.”
Dare does that “kiss my fingers and make a peace sign” before the scene fades.