Post by sinisterminister on Jan 4, 2017 15:39:40 GMT -5
A warning flashes on the screen and it is a message from AWE and it reads, "The contents you are about to read are not in any way endorsed by AWE. They are the FICTIONALIZED thoughts of American Tommy. Viewer Discretion is advised."
The scene opens up with an empty news room with the everything lit up for the show. A piece of large white paper is over the name of whatever news station was broken into and it reads, "Harry Potter's REAL news." A chair spins around and it's American Tommy beaming ear to ear.
American Tommy: Hello, AWE fans and friends of real important news and I stress REAL news, my name is Harry Potter and I will be delivering the news for you this evening. First story up for the evening is...
American Tommy shuffles through some of the papers on this desk. He picks one up and has a disgusting look on his face.
American Tommy: Nobody gives a fuck if Donald Trump has the economy at a record high even before he gets into office. Who put this shit here? Build that fucking wall you orange piece of shit! Let's Make America Great Again and send Tokyo Zombie to the other side of the WALL!
He crumples off the paper and tosses it behind his desk. He scans the other pieces of papers and smiles.
American Tommy: This was the one I was looking for! The one about the Benny Stevens story I broke on twitter earlier!
American Tommy lifts the piece of paper up and clears his throat.
American Tommy: Benny Stevens was caught in Vegas the other day trying to engage in sexual acts with a male participant in a casino restroom. It's being handed down by owl to me that Benny Stevens was indeed caught doing lines of coke off Jack Colter's erect mini-penis. If you don't know what a mini-penis is just ask Benny Stevens to show you.
American Tommy takes a drink of coffee and continues.
American Tommy: Anyways, it's being said that Eric Paisano wanted his turn with Benny Stevens and an ugly three way lovers quarrel broke out. Benny Stevens didn't even bother hiding his little penis during the scuffle. It's being said that Zack Fantana was currently engaged in some raunchy activities with the Eric's estranged wife at this time as well. Something about a dog and some peanut butter, but I'll leave that up to your imagination, folks! Hold on a second!
An owl flies into the room and drops a piece of paper on the desk.
American Tommy: Thanks, Hedwig! We have some more breaking coming into the newsroom...and oh dear.
American Tommy puts his head down into his hands and shakes his head.
American Tommy: It seems we have a bit of news now about Amis Shelton. It seems Amis Shelton had an embarrassing accident the other night. He ruptured his asshole. Sources are telling me that he was trying to figure out the largest thing he could shove in his ass and his ass just couldn't take the punishment! It turned inside out like the top of a cherry pie! Doctors have put him on a strict no sticking things in his ass diet till the stitches come out, which for Amis Shelton, will be the toughest fight he's ever had in his life. Be strong my friend, be strong. The LGBTQ community is behind you, literally.
American Tommy looks right into the camera.
American Tommy: Trust me folks, these are real new stories, brought into this studio by real sources and not just something that I'm spit balling off the top of my head. Would Harry Potter ever lieto you? No, I wouldn't. You know who would? The man of my next breaking news story, Drew Stevenson! Where is this piece of paper?
American Tommy frantically sifts through the piles on his desk looking for something. He fist bumps the air when he finds it.
American Tommy: Drew Stevenson's mother is a cow. Literally, a mooing cow. I'm not trying to be funny ladies and gentlemen. Drew Stevenson was born on a fucking farm and the mother is an actual cow. It's being told by family sources that his father came home from a night of drinking and couldn't see straight. Instead of wandering drunk into the house he "accidentally" stumbled into the cow pen. Mistaking a cow for his wife, Drew Stevenson's father proceeded to have sex with that cow. Not one time did it pop into his head that he was fucking a cow. This is how Drew Stevenson was conceived and looks like his face is a combination of a dog fart and a pile shit.
Guard: HEY! What are you doing in here?
American Tommy looks a bit startled, but he shrugs it off.
American Tommy: What the fuck does it look like? I'm reading the news! The viewers deserve to hear TRUE stories, not this bullshit bout global warming. You know that stuff is fake right? Who really believes that?
The guard runs up on American Tommy and Harry Potter pulls out his nun-chucks and hits the man in the head.
American Tommy: You dare run up on Harry Potter while he is reading the news?
American Tommy jumps up on the table and pulls his wand out and points it at the man on the floor.
American Tommy: I can't believe a muggle of all people would run up on me while I'm trying to deliver the news the people deserve, the news the people want! I outta curse you, but you are lucky I'm forgiving, unlike Benny Steven's HIV.
American Tommy adjusts his shirt and looks into the camera.
American Tommy: This has been the news with Harry Potter. I will see you next week, AWE. Harry Potter out!
American Tommy stretches his arm out in front of him and drops his wand like a microphone. He walks off as the camera zooms in on the guard on the floor.
The AWE disclaimer again flashes before it goes to the next match.
The scene opens up with an empty news room with the everything lit up for the show. A piece of large white paper is over the name of whatever news station was broken into and it reads, "Harry Potter's REAL news." A chair spins around and it's American Tommy beaming ear to ear.
American Tommy: Hello, AWE fans and friends of real important news and I stress REAL news, my name is Harry Potter and I will be delivering the news for you this evening. First story up for the evening is...
American Tommy shuffles through some of the papers on this desk. He picks one up and has a disgusting look on his face.
American Tommy: Nobody gives a fuck if Donald Trump has the economy at a record high even before he gets into office. Who put this shit here? Build that fucking wall you orange piece of shit! Let's Make America Great Again and send Tokyo Zombie to the other side of the WALL!
He crumples off the paper and tosses it behind his desk. He scans the other pieces of papers and smiles.
American Tommy: This was the one I was looking for! The one about the Benny Stevens story I broke on twitter earlier!
American Tommy lifts the piece of paper up and clears his throat.
American Tommy: Benny Stevens was caught in Vegas the other day trying to engage in sexual acts with a male participant in a casino restroom. It's being handed down by owl to me that Benny Stevens was indeed caught doing lines of coke off Jack Colter's erect mini-penis. If you don't know what a mini-penis is just ask Benny Stevens to show you.
American Tommy takes a drink of coffee and continues.
American Tommy: Anyways, it's being said that Eric Paisano wanted his turn with Benny Stevens and an ugly three way lovers quarrel broke out. Benny Stevens didn't even bother hiding his little penis during the scuffle. It's being said that Zack Fantana was currently engaged in some raunchy activities with the Eric's estranged wife at this time as well. Something about a dog and some peanut butter, but I'll leave that up to your imagination, folks! Hold on a second!
An owl flies into the room and drops a piece of paper on the desk.
American Tommy: Thanks, Hedwig! We have some more breaking coming into the newsroom...and oh dear.
American Tommy puts his head down into his hands and shakes his head.
American Tommy: It seems we have a bit of news now about Amis Shelton. It seems Amis Shelton had an embarrassing accident the other night. He ruptured his asshole. Sources are telling me that he was trying to figure out the largest thing he could shove in his ass and his ass just couldn't take the punishment! It turned inside out like the top of a cherry pie! Doctors have put him on a strict no sticking things in his ass diet till the stitches come out, which for Amis Shelton, will be the toughest fight he's ever had in his life. Be strong my friend, be strong. The LGBTQ community is behind you, literally.
American Tommy looks right into the camera.
American Tommy: Trust me folks, these are real new stories, brought into this studio by real sources and not just something that I'm spit balling off the top of my head. Would Harry Potter ever lieto you? No, I wouldn't. You know who would? The man of my next breaking news story, Drew Stevenson! Where is this piece of paper?
American Tommy frantically sifts through the piles on his desk looking for something. He fist bumps the air when he finds it.
American Tommy: Drew Stevenson's mother is a cow. Literally, a mooing cow. I'm not trying to be funny ladies and gentlemen. Drew Stevenson was born on a fucking farm and the mother is an actual cow. It's being told by family sources that his father came home from a night of drinking and couldn't see straight. Instead of wandering drunk into the house he "accidentally" stumbled into the cow pen. Mistaking a cow for his wife, Drew Stevenson's father proceeded to have sex with that cow. Not one time did it pop into his head that he was fucking a cow. This is how Drew Stevenson was conceived and looks like his face is a combination of a dog fart and a pile shit.
Guard: HEY! What are you doing in here?
American Tommy looks a bit startled, but he shrugs it off.
American Tommy: What the fuck does it look like? I'm reading the news! The viewers deserve to hear TRUE stories, not this bullshit bout global warming. You know that stuff is fake right? Who really believes that?
The guard runs up on American Tommy and Harry Potter pulls out his nun-chucks and hits the man in the head.
American Tommy: You dare run up on Harry Potter while he is reading the news?
American Tommy jumps up on the table and pulls his wand out and points it at the man on the floor.
American Tommy: I can't believe a muggle of all people would run up on me while I'm trying to deliver the news the people deserve, the news the people want! I outta curse you, but you are lucky I'm forgiving, unlike Benny Steven's HIV.
American Tommy adjusts his shirt and looks into the camera.
American Tommy: This has been the news with Harry Potter. I will see you next week, AWE. Harry Potter out!
American Tommy stretches his arm out in front of him and drops his wand like a microphone. He walks off as the camera zooms in on the guard on the floor.
The AWE disclaimer again flashes before it goes to the next match.