Post by sinisterminister on Feb 18, 2017 13:29:01 GMT -5
The room opens up into Tommy's AWE newsroom, but it looks quite different. The screen doesn't say 'Harry Potter: News for Muggles' anymore, but a new name. It reads, 'Assandrah: Fortunes for Muggles.' The desk is still cluttered, but it isn't with the usual papers with crayon drawings on them thrown about, but weird fortune stuff that fortune tellers would have...because he's a serious fortune teller. Smack dab in the middle of the desk lies a crystal ball that is glowing. A chair spins around and it is American Tommy and he is still dressed as Kassandrah, but this time he is wearing a bra made of Rice Krispies.
AMERICAN TOMMY: This top gets Tony Chu's blood flowing, but I never quite understood why he likes me wearing it. Oh, well.
American Tommy grabs a handful of Rice Krispie from the right string and starts to eat it. The right side of his bra contraption falls off, but he doesn't seem to care. He reaches down and puts a fortune teller's hat on and looks into the camera.
AMERICAN TOMMY: Friends of AWE, I'm your COO Assandrah and welcome to 'Assandrah: Fortunes for Muggles!'
American Tommy rubs the magic ball for a little bit and probably a bit more ertoicly than he should. American Tommy licks the ball and stares at it.
AMERICAN TOMMY: Well, what the hell! That usually gets the juices flowing on the corner I work.
American Tommy slaps his head.
AMERICAN TOMMY: Duh!
American Tommy starts to rub his right nipple and the crystal ball starts to electrify. He puts his hand on it and closes his eyes. He opens them and smiles.
AMERICAN TOMMY: Benny Stevens, I have a fortune for you. You will live a life full of love and happiness.
American Tommy's owl hops onto the desk and shits out a fortune cookie. American Tommy nods at the man and opens it up.
AMERICAN TOMMY: You will indeed live a life full of love and happiness, but my owl has just informed me about how. It will come in the form of a full body pillow with the face of Zack Fantana pasted at the top of the pillow. There will also be a curious hole in the backside down towards the bottom of that pillow. Tsk Tsk.
American Tommy throws the fortune to the floor and rubs the crystal ball again - looking for his next fortune.
AMERICAN TOMMY: Austin Gale, I have a fortune for you. You will find the love of your life.
The man dressed as an owl shits out another fortune cookie and American Tommy opens it up.
AMERICAN TOMMY: You will indeed find the love of your life, but sadly it isn't with YoYo. Because, you see, you live a life that is shortened by HIV. Science has proven that HIV is in fact the disease of the homosexuals and you can only get it from guy on guy butt sex. So, this must mean you eventually come out of the closet - which I would like to congratulate you on finally doing - only to fuck a guy carrying the monster. Bad move, bro. No alternative facts here.
American Tommy coughs and looks sadly into the camera.
American Tommy: I’m very sorry for some of the language tonight. Dare doesn’t like it when I swear, but I think he has some issues that he is trying to work through. Possibly some side effects of a little electric shock therapy at a unknown camp that his parents sent him to for unknown reasons.
American Tommy puts his hands on the crystal ball again in order to get another fortune from the spirits that are talking to him.
AMERICAN TOMMY: Bindy Trent, I have a fortune for you! Ohhhh, it looks like romance is headed to your way very soon.
American Tommy’s owl shits a fortune cookie out and he opens it. He looks at it in disgust.
AMERICAN TOMMY: Wait? WHAT! HIM!? No!
American Tommy throws the fortune cookie to the ground with disbelief. He regains his composure and looks up at the camera.
AMERICAN TOMMY: You will indeed find love and you will find it right here in the AWE. My owl has just informed me that the man of your dreams is none other than Harry Potter! I have to say - as a real fortune teller named Assandrah- that American Tommy fella is a handsome man. So much more handsome than that metro-sexual, Dare Clemmens! I heard he not only has much larger penis, but his calves are way bigger! He doesn’t skip leg day. He’s going places and it’d be smart to hitch your caboose up to the back of his train. Choo Choo!
American Tommy pretends as if he’s pulling down the horn of train. He smiles and then puts his hand back onto the crystal ball for his next fortune.
AMERICAN TOMMY: YoYo, I have a fortune for you. You will live a miserable, lonely, but long life.
American Tommy holds out his hand as his owl shits another fortune cookie into his hand. He reads it and actually eats the cookie this time.
AMERICAN TOMMY: This is a delicious fortune we have here. You will a miserable and lonely life, because when you finally realize that Harry Potter was the man that you wanted all along, he won’t be there to accept your sweet nectar anymore. No, no, no, he will be sipping on the sweet sweet nectar of Bindy Trent! If you're thinking, “Well, that ain’t going to work.” then you are a racist! Love is love, YoYo. Your boat is on the port about ready to pull off from the dock and go into the open waters of someone else's love!
American Tommy grabs a hanging piece of Rice Krispie from his bra and eats it. He puts his hands on the crystal ball.
AMERICAN TOMMY: Caitlyn Fantana, I have a fortune for you? Who the fuck?
The man owl next to Tommy shits out his fortune cookie and jumps off the desk. He flaps away making whatever sounds an owl would make, but only better than a real owl, because it’s Harry Potter’s owl. American Tommy reads it and his face lights up like a light bulb went off.
AMERICAN TOMMY: I knew all along! Zack Fantana has a surprising secret that he hasn’t shared with us. Zack Fantana identifies as a female. It seems that he only wrestles so he can save up money for his sex reassignment surgery. You see, Zack Fantana was a huge fan of Bruce Jenner. He had all his posters up on his wall and even the Wheaties box after he won the Olympic Gold. When Bruce became Caitlyn, Zack was like “Ohhhhhhh. Yahhhhhh.” and got a raging erection. He’s already started his transition, I mean just look at his hair. He’s growing it out! It all makes sense now. Bravo, Zack...I mean Caitlyn, bravo! You a true American hero.
American Tommy puts his hands on the crystal ball again, but nothing seems to be happening.
AMERICAN TOMMY: Well, it seems I sadly have tired the spirits out and I have no more fortunes to give. My name is Assandrah and this has been. ‘Assandrah: Fortunes for Muggles.’
The screen fades to black.
AMERICAN TOMMY: This top gets Tony Chu's blood flowing, but I never quite understood why he likes me wearing it. Oh, well.
American Tommy grabs a handful of Rice Krispie from the right string and starts to eat it. The right side of his bra contraption falls off, but he doesn't seem to care. He reaches down and puts a fortune teller's hat on and looks into the camera.
AMERICAN TOMMY: Friends of AWE, I'm your COO Assandrah and welcome to 'Assandrah: Fortunes for Muggles!'
American Tommy rubs the magic ball for a little bit and probably a bit more ertoicly than he should. American Tommy licks the ball and stares at it.
AMERICAN TOMMY: Well, what the hell! That usually gets the juices flowing on the corner I work.
American Tommy slaps his head.
AMERICAN TOMMY: Duh!
American Tommy starts to rub his right nipple and the crystal ball starts to electrify. He puts his hand on it and closes his eyes. He opens them and smiles.
AMERICAN TOMMY: Benny Stevens, I have a fortune for you. You will live a life full of love and happiness.
American Tommy's owl hops onto the desk and shits out a fortune cookie. American Tommy nods at the man and opens it up.
AMERICAN TOMMY: You will indeed live a life full of love and happiness, but my owl has just informed me about how. It will come in the form of a full body pillow with the face of Zack Fantana pasted at the top of the pillow. There will also be a curious hole in the backside down towards the bottom of that pillow. Tsk Tsk.
American Tommy throws the fortune to the floor and rubs the crystal ball again - looking for his next fortune.
AMERICAN TOMMY: Austin Gale, I have a fortune for you. You will find the love of your life.
The man dressed as an owl shits out another fortune cookie and American Tommy opens it up.
AMERICAN TOMMY: You will indeed find the love of your life, but sadly it isn't with YoYo. Because, you see, you live a life that is shortened by HIV. Science has proven that HIV is in fact the disease of the homosexuals and you can only get it from guy on guy butt sex. So, this must mean you eventually come out of the closet - which I would like to congratulate you on finally doing - only to fuck a guy carrying the monster. Bad move, bro. No alternative facts here.
American Tommy coughs and looks sadly into the camera.
American Tommy: I’m very sorry for some of the language tonight. Dare doesn’t like it when I swear, but I think he has some issues that he is trying to work through. Possibly some side effects of a little electric shock therapy at a unknown camp that his parents sent him to for unknown reasons.
American Tommy puts his hands on the crystal ball again in order to get another fortune from the spirits that are talking to him.
AMERICAN TOMMY: Bindy Trent, I have a fortune for you! Ohhhh, it looks like romance is headed to your way very soon.
American Tommy’s owl shits a fortune cookie out and he opens it. He looks at it in disgust.
AMERICAN TOMMY: Wait? WHAT! HIM!? No!
American Tommy throws the fortune cookie to the ground with disbelief. He regains his composure and looks up at the camera.
AMERICAN TOMMY: You will indeed find love and you will find it right here in the AWE. My owl has just informed me that the man of your dreams is none other than Harry Potter! I have to say - as a real fortune teller named Assandrah- that American Tommy fella is a handsome man. So much more handsome than that metro-sexual, Dare Clemmens! I heard he not only has much larger penis, but his calves are way bigger! He doesn’t skip leg day. He’s going places and it’d be smart to hitch your caboose up to the back of his train. Choo Choo!
American Tommy pretends as if he’s pulling down the horn of train. He smiles and then puts his hand back onto the crystal ball for his next fortune.
AMERICAN TOMMY: YoYo, I have a fortune for you. You will live a miserable, lonely, but long life.
American Tommy holds out his hand as his owl shits another fortune cookie into his hand. He reads it and actually eats the cookie this time.
AMERICAN TOMMY: This is a delicious fortune we have here. You will a miserable and lonely life, because when you finally realize that Harry Potter was the man that you wanted all along, he won’t be there to accept your sweet nectar anymore. No, no, no, he will be sipping on the sweet sweet nectar of Bindy Trent! If you're thinking, “Well, that ain’t going to work.” then you are a racist! Love is love, YoYo. Your boat is on the port about ready to pull off from the dock and go into the open waters of someone else's love!
American Tommy grabs a hanging piece of Rice Krispie from his bra and eats it. He puts his hands on the crystal ball.
AMERICAN TOMMY: Caitlyn Fantana, I have a fortune for you? Who the fuck?
The man owl next to Tommy shits out his fortune cookie and jumps off the desk. He flaps away making whatever sounds an owl would make, but only better than a real owl, because it’s Harry Potter’s owl. American Tommy reads it and his face lights up like a light bulb went off.
AMERICAN TOMMY: I knew all along! Zack Fantana has a surprising secret that he hasn’t shared with us. Zack Fantana identifies as a female. It seems that he only wrestles so he can save up money for his sex reassignment surgery. You see, Zack Fantana was a huge fan of Bruce Jenner. He had all his posters up on his wall and even the Wheaties box after he won the Olympic Gold. When Bruce became Caitlyn, Zack was like “Ohhhhhhh. Yahhhhhh.” and got a raging erection. He’s already started his transition, I mean just look at his hair. He’s growing it out! It all makes sense now. Bravo, Zack...I mean Caitlyn, bravo! You a true American hero.
American Tommy puts his hands on the crystal ball again, but nothing seems to be happening.
AMERICAN TOMMY: Well, it seems I sadly have tired the spirits out and I have no more fortunes to give. My name is Assandrah and this has been. ‘Assandrah: Fortunes for Muggles.’
The screen fades to black.