Post by Deleted on Mar 16, 2017 1:13:48 GMT -5
“That night I must have fallen asleep watching the Sound of Music. That’s all I could figure. I slowly fell into a coma while that chick who was hotter as Mary Poppins sang about escaping the Nazis or something. I think they made clothes. That’s not the point. The point is, I woke up inside a dream and thanks to the head pills I was on at the time, it was one of those lucid dreams. You know, where you can control everything that happens? Yeah, it was like that. I had a dream about Zack Fantana of all people. Messed up? You be the judge.”
(Easy response idea, Zack! Homophobia + Me dreaming about you!)
It seemed simple enough, I was standing on a stage and was being watched by all of my peers. I mean, all of them. The good ones, the bad ones, the ones who hate me, and the ones who love me. Yeah. Them. I started snapping my fingers.
“Zack. Zack. Zack. That dude’s face is kinda whack, whack, whack. He’s Zack. Oh he’s so whack, but he wants the Championship back. He’s that dude Zack with that rude lack…”
I kept snapping my fingers, losing track of where I was going with the song.
“Of respect for the gays? I don’t know, it’s all for show. He can’t get over who I used to be, it’s so bad, dude can’t see the real me.”
I spun on stage and start to put my hips into it.
“He sees me as that kid who does all the dares. That kid with just the right amount of chest hairs. He’s got this skewed idea of who I represent. He doesn’t know where that other dude went. He wants the kid he faced at Executive Action. He wants to get that same reaction. Thinks I care about Kassandrah’s decisions, but I already finished that mission. Blame Tony.”
Then I started doing that “pulling on a rope” dance for whatever reason.
“That’s right, blame Tony. Blame that phony. Never gave me money--always looked at me like I smelled funny. Total hater, but we’ll get to that later.”
Then suddenly Zack jumped out onto the stage with me and he was doing that Westside Story finger snap, trying to intimidate me with his moves.
He laid it down.
“You got lucky, boy. You know why? Cuz I like milk made out of soy. That championship is mine. If I park illegally I pay a fine. I think you’re just a trumped up thrill seeker. If I didn’t work out, i’d feel weaker. When I did science, my favorite shit went in the beaker. Yeah. I’m the best in the AWE. If I had a boat I’d set out on the sea!”
I realized quickly that he laid down rhymes like he was LFO. I wondered what happened to them.
He continued.
“I like girls who wear Abercrombie and Fitch. Take ‘em if I had one wish.”
I interrupted.
“Let me stop you right there, Mr. Jeri Curl hair.”
(He totally rocked that look, Google it.)
We were almost face to face, dancing like two men possessed. I couldn’t decide if it was completely animalistic or just kinda dorky looking. Either way, the people in the audience were rooting us on. Or at least, like sixty six percent of them were. The rest of them were just complaining. They always complain though.
Anyway.
I told him:
“You don’t really know who I am and you don’t take the time, man. You think you’ve got it all figured out, but you’re still in doubt. I don’t feel like you’ve given me the kind of attention you give Benny and that’s not even funny.”
I stopped dancing and singing for a moment to talk to him plainly.
“No seriously, you pay more attention to what Benny Stevens is doing and that...well that’s just harsh man. Like, what am I, chopped liver? That seriously cuts me deep.”
He shrugged.
“Sorry man, It’s because of Bobby. He knows all about Benny, because I think they’re related or something.”
I shook my head.
“It’s whatever.”
Then we hit each other with some more sweet moves. He gave me that Spanish fire and I busted out my tap dance skills.
He told me:
“Maybe if you were worth remembering, I would. When I swing an axe, you bet I’m chopping wood. Benny Stevens takes up my time because of his luxurious hair. If I had a spirit animal, it’d probably be a bear.”
I laid the moonwalk on him and did a spin.
“You’re not so good when you’re trying to play my game. In fact, it comes across as kinda lame. To be honest? You should stick with your guns. Cuz I got you on the run like I’m Attila leading the Huns.”
“That’s a stretch. Seriously though, I..uh..like that one movie Fletch.”
“You are seriously just rhyming with random words. See, if I were like you, I’d just end this sentence with ‘turds’.”
I hit him with a hip thrust and realized I had him on the run. He backed up and I hit him with another hip thrust and I realized he was losing power.
“This is why you shouldn’t depend on children’s books and outdated information. Most of what’s been coming out of your mouth is just verbal masturbation. Anyone paying attention knows. Again, if I were like you, I’d end this sentence with ‘panty-hose’.”
“Ok ok relax. I’ll smother you like carnauba wax. Yeah, it’s both food safe and vegan. That is carnauba wax you plebeian. Seriously though, you got me this time, but once I figure out another word to rhyme, I’ll come back for you in time. You’ll never forget the name, Zack Fantana. Uh, Indianapolis is the capital of Indiana!”
Hip thrust, hip thrust, hip thrust, and he flew off the stage.
“Zack Fantana has left the building.”
I bowed. They cheered.
I woke up.
END.