Post by Anastasia Hayden on Nov 7, 2016 5:01:02 GMT -5
You placed a bar
I played a game to see how low that I could go
December 2008.
Adjusting her rear view mirror and checking the back seat, Ana made sure that her only two bags were in place as she let out a sigh of relief. The clock on the dashboard read 5:56 AM. Any sign of the Sun wasn’t found as the snowstorm had grayed out the sky. There was some anxiety that met Ana as she gripped her hands around the steering wheel, she’d never driven in conditions this bad before, but she knew it wasn’t impossible. Just another challenge. She lowered the hood attached to her parka and cranked the heat up in her truck just a bit more. All just to stall for a few more seconds.
Looking in the side mirror at her house. She knew second thoughts were dangerous. One bad thought creeping in and she’d be right back inside. That house represented everything she hated and feared of becoming. A wife married to an oil rig worker. She didn’t want to just be a waitress or store clerk. She wanted to escape North Dakota. Becoming another statistic, becoming another boring wife didn’t appeal to her. Everyone else in Steele seemed real content with it, but not Anastasia Hayden.
Lost in thought, the sound of knocking at the window startled her. Ana turned to see her mother, dressed in a heavy parka with her robe underneath. This was the problem stalling created. Ana motioned over to the passenger side and watched her mother move around the front of her truck to get there. The door opened and in came her mother as well as the blaring whistle of wind with her. Her mother had a confused look on her face, doing a double take between the clock and her daughter.
“Where are you heading? They couldn’t have possibly called you into work during...this! No one’s gonna be at the diner in this weather.”
“I’m not heading into work, mom..."
“Then...where are you headed? The store? I doubt they’d be open eit-”
“Mom, I’m not going to the store or work...I’m…”
Ana bit her lip as her mother stared at her, trying to figure it out. She looked away from her mom, toward the snow falling in front of her.
“I’m leaving…”
“Leave...leaving? What do you…”
The answer didn’t make sense, Ana’s mother sat in silence, letting the gears in her head turn. Ana didn’t have the nerve to look her mother in the eyes after the answer, opting to just continue staring out the windshield.
“I’ve just got to go...I can’t stay here anymore.”
“Did your dad or me...did we do something, Ana?”
“No! No...you didn’t do anything. I can’t explain it…”
She could, easily in fact, but Ana didn’t want to break her mother’s heart anymore. Ana didn’t want to tell her that she was leaving because she didn’t want to end up like her mother. Getting married, knocked up, and being content with a dull life until death wasn’t what she wanted out of life. And there weren’t many alternatives for Anastasia to begin with. College? Worthless. She didn’t have the grades to get into anywhere that mattered and she didn’t want the burden of loans following her throughout life. Ana wanted to leave Steele, no strings attached.
If only that part of the equation was easy. She had hoped she’d make her grand escape in silence, but it seemed like life wasn’t set on that.
“I need to go out and experience the world and...I...I can’t just stick around here forever. I’m not wired to just stay in Steele until I die. What am I going to do here?”
Ana paused for a moment as she rested her head on the top of the steering wheel, her mother still trying to process everything.
“Everyone here is either too young to leave or too old. Everyone in between is just waiting until they’re too old...I hear everyone say it, mom. They’re gonna leave here...and they never do. I don’t...I don’t want to waste my life here.”
“Like me and your father, you mean…”
“No, mom...it’s...it’s not like that.”
Though, it was exactly like that. She could hear the heartbreak in her mother’s voice and it put Ana on the verge of tears. She desperately tried to find a positive in her mind, something just to make her mother happy, but there wasn’t. Her oldest daughter called her life worthless in so many words. That was a bitter pill to swallow.
“I need to go and figure out what I want...I don’t know how else to say it.”
“If this is what you want...this is what you want, right?”
“Yes.”
“Then I won't fight you. You're old enough to do this I suppose...we'd just waste our time...so, you’ve got my support…”
The response took Ana off guard, looking at her mother for the first time since she got in the truck. Now her mother had switched roles, looking out the passenger window. The sound of defeat in her mother’s voice made it a victory Ana didn’t want to have under her belt.
“But promise me something.”
“Anything.”
“Other than the obvious of calling us...just...if you don’t find whatever you’re searching for...promise you’ll come home.”
Her mother was now looking at Ana head on, right into her eyes.
“Can you do that?”
“Yeah, mom...I promise.”
“Does your dad know anything about this?”
“No…”
“So...you were just going to leave...without saying goodbye?”
Caught. Ana turned her head back, this time the tears started to fall. She tried to clear her throat, trying to hide the fact that she was crying, but it didn’t work. It never did.
“I’m sure, in a way, your dad will be proud...he always wanted to leave here...at least tell me you know where you’re going.”
Her mom laughed, a faint nervousness accompanying it. The laugh was enough to help put Ana at some ease.
“Oklahoma.”
“Oklahoma?! That’s...wow...alright. Oklahoma...and what’s out there?”
“Wrestling school.”
“Like...what you did in high school?”
Through the tears, Ana laughed this time. Her mother knew what she meant, but hoped that wasn’t going to be the answer. The idea of chasing the dream of being a wrestler instead of sticking around in Steele was almost comparable on some level. If she failed, she’d be stuck at the bottom, trying to find steady ground.
“No, mom...not like that.”
“And...you’ve got the money for all of this? Gas? Food? A place to stay?”
“I’ve got it...most of it anyways. I can just pick up another job there. I waited tables all throughout high school, I’m pretty confident I can do it in Oklahoma, mother.”
“I know, Ana...you’ve always been so tough. Or just stubborn.”
“And the school has dorms...worst case, I just room with another student. I’ve got it figured out.”
Mostly. Nothing was a guarantee, but Ana just hoped to say enough words to help her mother feel better about this. She wasn’t sure if it was working, but selfishly, it was enough to help her feel better.
“This is what you want to do?”
“Yeah...this is what I want, mom.”
“Just making sure. Whatever you do, we’re here for you. We love you. I love you, Ana.”
November 2016
.
“I love you too, mom. I’ll call you in a few weeks, okay? Take care.”
The line went dead as Ana felt her eyes roll back, tired from her latest match. Leaning over the edge of the bed, she let her phone slip from her hand and onto the hotel carpet. She felt like shit, but what’s new? Wrestling never made her feel one way or the other. Just business. Doing good or bad didn’t mean much to her. As long as she kept doing it and kept making money, it was enough to get by.
The passion for wrestling was there. She’d just become numb to it like everything else in her life. All she could think of was her parents. Almost eight years since she saw them. Or anyone from her family. Part of her felt guilty for that. Part of her knew going back to Steele was a death sentence. They’d have to meet her on her own terms. And she kept herself busy with work to prevent that.
The calls she dreaded. Each month, Ana would talk with her mom and occasionally her dad if he was home. She felt indifferent toward them. And she wasn’t sure why. They gave her the best they could growing up. In a way, she felt like she betrayed them by leaving. Like they had just become acquaintances she’d keep up with as if they passed each other on the street.
But that wasn’t the only reason she dreaded the calls. She dreaded them because every month was the same. She’d lie to them, tell them that everything was going great and that she was happy. But she wasn’t. She’d hang up the phone and get drunk in the hotel room or in her flat back in England. It was the same routine every month. Of course, getting drunk all by herself was a bit more regular.
She’d drink, think of her lies, and go back to hating her life even more. She’d cry inside her room and fall asleep next to the toilet. The cold bathroom floor serving as her sole comfort throughout the night and early in the morning. The same tile that she’d just think about splitting her head against until there was darkness. Her best friend for that very reason.
It wasn’t Steele, but there were nights where she felt that complacency hit her. Her career was on the upswing again, but she still couldn’t shake that feeling. No amount of drinking would shake it. She knew that for a fact, because she’d try every night she felt it. Now she was just content with losing the fight of being content.
There were still plenty of nights where she felt hope. That things were going to be alright. Very little of Ana’s outlook was optimistic, but every now and again, she’d just feel happy. Or an idea of what happy meant. The semantics didn’t matter. But as she laid over the edge of her bed, she didn’t feel that hope in her hotel room. All she could think about was the half finished case of Stella in her fridge she’d have to finish before heading to the airport the next day. The feeling of hope would have to wait.
“Hey, heard about your match, congrats! How are you feeling?”
Because that night, Ana felt alone.